“Civilization exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice." -- Will Durant

The word "consent" brings up a lot of thoughts and emotions. Legal definitions and #MeToo are just the start. How does it fit into the 3 Step Reciprocity Cycle? With the Earth? In daily life? Or in the middle of a coup? Let's talk about it!

Acknowledge Earth Is Our Home

In many Earth based practices, asking and giving gratitude are part of the cycle of life.

Asking animals permission to hunt for food and giving gratitude for that their sacrifice literally feeds human lives.

Asking to cut down a tree whether thinning young trees encroaching on a meadow and giving thanks while transforming it into a walking staff or firewood.

Asking plants to be harvested for medicine and ceremony, then honoring them in the preparation and administering of the new form.

Unfortunately, as humans with very large pre-frontal cortexes, this form of consent is often labeled "woo-woo" or some other derogatory term -- even though we evolved to listen and be in relationship in this way with our home.

I remember asking an elder what a plant's name was when I was in my 20s. I also remember the distain I felt when he replied, "Ask it. It will tell you."

Now, I'm still not sure that was the best answer to give someone like me still so stuck in the accepted norm of exploitation -- just tenderly beginning to even understand the distinction between herbs...

(The whole "know your audience" thing...)

But there is a deep truth to his reply.

And twenty years later, not only do I know the name of rosemary, but know how to trim the busy, harvest the leaves, cook with it, hang branches indoors for it's medicinal scent, celebrate where it grows, and more.

Learning this form of consent does take time in our industrial culture.

And so I suggest you just start with the formula: Ask and Give Gratitude.

Discover Your Earth Archetype

My biological family did not practice consent. Abuse and control was more the norm. And I am grateful to say I had a chance to learn love through al kinds of chosen family as a teen and adult.

Fast forward 22 years. I've talked to my biological mom only twice and not much more with other family members.

Then bio mom dies.

Imagine my surprise when her husband, a sibling, and an aunt do 3 things:

1. Ask me to come to the funeral

2. Share with me what support they can provide to make it happen.

3. Honor my choice whatever it may be.

Wow-za! What a eureka moment.

This is my bio family offering consent! So I actually went.

And that consent formula has stuck with me very strongly for the past 7 years.

So much so that in my contracts where I provide 1:1 relationship coaching, it's a key part of the agreement -- with a little fine tuning and the addition of a step.

• a clear ask

• offer of any needed support

• opportunity for questions/clarifications/modifications

• honoring of authentic response

It's also surprisingly hard for people -- good people.

People pleasing. Acknowledging wants. Emotional labor. Unexamined privilege. And so much more....

Just like learning rosemary, this formula resonants with people almost immediately once explained.

But takes time, experience, and guidance to embody.

If you would like support integrating this consent formula in your life, contact me to discuss what's possible.

Work Together in Community

Both of these formulas are complex enough in a 1:1 relationship. Growing in the size and scale of community adds a whole new complexity.

Democracy. Marxism. Socialism. Capitalism. Fascism. Slavery. Rights. Natural Law. Emergent Strategy. Responsibilities. Sociocracy. Cooperatives. Patriarchy. Matriarchy. Productions. Negotiations. Consensus. Majority. Justice. Reconciliation.

These are all attempts to scale different formulas for consent.

Each one I have pretty strong feelings about -- probably like you do.

Each becomes a system that frames our lives.

Each has it's own idea of what is acceptable and "legal."

Each can feel like we are either forced or get to participate in.

And I think that's the key word here.

Participate.

Just like with ask and give gratitude...

Just like the 4 step consent formula...

Our participation is where the heartbeat of consent is -- even at scale.

Even when it feels like our individual voice is small.

And especially when we work together in community.